“I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.”—Jodi Picoult (My Sister’s Keeper)
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”—Buddha (via light-essence)
Why do relationships have to be so complicated…why can’t they just be black and white? Who needs all of those undefined grey areas??
Honestly. I feel obligated to have a relationship with you….it’s not that I don’t want one…because I do. I’m just tired of trying to make it happen. Tired of everything being okay for a couple of days, a few hours…and then it’s back to a chaotic mess. I’m tired of pretending that we have something thats really just not there.
I can’t fathom how we can be so much alike but so different at the same time…how we can never seem to understand each other… your opinion…your feelings…your thoughts are the only ones that seem to matter. Our emotions and our words…they always seem to get lost in translation. It’s forever “I didn’t mean what I said” or “I never should have said that”.
But you did say it…
…and you can’t take words back. Once they’ve escaped from your mouth, they’re out there…and embedded in my mind. And honestly, I do think you mean what you say.
I think you mean EVERY SINGLE WORD.
I hate feeling like you “love” me because you have to. That’s a really sucky and fucked up feeling. But it’s how I truly feel. It seems to be an obligation…a duty…and a chore.
Most of the time, it feels like I’m in your way. Like I’m holding you back from what you want or what you could have had. I feel guilty. I don’t feel like I’m what you expected me to be. And every time I think I’ve done something right or something that you can respect, I always do something to fuck it up.
I don’t know anymore. All of this just feels so out of control…and if you really knew me, you would know I HATE not being in control. I hate not being able to fix things. I hate not being able to make things better..but most of all, I hate the way I feel when I speak to you..when we hold a conversation…when I spend time with you. I hate it.